Well. The unexpected complications of Baby E’s birth has just delayed the part we did expect: watching her for signs of heart fatigue and gauging when she may need the initial surgery. She is slowing down more and more each day.
As much as I want to just fully nurse her, the cardiologist reminded me this morning it’s unrealistic to expect that. It’s looking like what will be best for her is not nursing, but bottle feeding with fortified milk; it is less work for babies and will conserve more of her energy. I loved nursing my son and nursing Baby E has brought me out of a dark place, so this is hard. It’s one of those times as a parent where you’re trying to set aside what you want so badly for your child to see what it is they actually need.
Last night I had an awful dream where I kept losing my 2-year-old son in a crowd. Ugh. I cannot put into words how much I miss him. I want to take care of both of my kids at the same time, but it’s not possible right now, and nothing explains being separated from your child and it being out of your control.
Clearly the theme of today’s post is mom guilt. Sheesh.
We are finally in a boarding room with Baby E – easily the happiest day since we’ve been here. Last night I fell asleep watching her in her bassinet and so much felt right. Being near my girl and being able to hold her is easing the stress of all this. My husband said the scariest part of last week was watching me slip into a dark depression. I know what he’s talking about. Nothing diminished my desire to hold her, to see her open her eyes, to hear her cry, to listen to those cute newborn sounds.
No, mommin’ ain’t easy. And all the women in Cub Foods at 9pm for the third time in a week, or those staring at a pregnancy test wondering why it’s so hard to just get two pink lines, or those browsing Pinterest feeling like a failure because their kid had chicken nuggets for dinner instead of this gluten-free-tofurkey-keto-something-or-other meal they just pinned but know they will never ever make, raised their hands in agreement and shouted, “amen, sister!”
